Musings at 26: Unpacking and exploring my thoughts on marriage!

As I enter the second half of my twenties, I hear the word ‘marriage’ more often than I hear ‘How are you?’ and here’s every thought that’s crossed my mind so far!

I grew up watching Bollywood movies ever since I was a little girl. So you can imagine how my standards are set way too unrealistically high. I want my dupatta to get stuck on someone’s watch or sherwani. I expect a dream proposal. I imagine a marriage where everyday you just fall more and more in love. In Bridgerton, like the duke of Hastings said ‘Meeting a beautiful woman is one thing but to meet your best friend in a beautiful woman is something entirely apart’. In the same way, I do believe one should marry their best friend so every day feels like a fun sleepover. But then I grew up and life happened to me in so many ways. I was hit with the realities of running a household, buying a house of your own, and most importantly, the merging of two families. As I saw people around me struggle with that or read stories on the internet about how marriage is about more than just love, my rosy filter with which I looked at marriage slowly started to fade away. 

While I still want to keep that innocence and purity I have in my mind for love and marriage intact, I have to tell myself to be smart as well. To choose wisely and to be with someone who wants to meet me halfway in terms of effort. A huge part of me wants to get married like tomorrow itself and click those same dreamy pictures we gaze at on Instagram. But on some days, I do find myself questioning the whole institution. Do I really want this? Is it practical to leave my house, my parents and my comfort behind and move in with someone else? And above all, do I really want to have children? For many people, a major reason to get married is to have children too, and I have always imagined a family of my own. But this was before I knew things about my own body. It's sad how so little was taught to us in school about the female reproductive system or how pregnancy works in general. Instagram has actually been quite informative in that aspect. So many women have come forward and truthfully shared their experience about what childbirth really feels like. While it is fascinating what our bodies can do, it also feels like a horror story every time I hear someone talk about how their vagina tore and had to be stitched up again. It feels like the best birth control pill ever. 

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And I mean if I’m going through so much pain, I have to have the right person by my side right? Also, let’s not forget how expensive it is to have a child. Both our finances put together have to be more than enough to raise a kid and have a life of our own. It sounds next to impossible sometimes. It feels scary and I almost feel like giving up on all of this. Then comes the even scarier topic aka my future mother-in-law. Every single woman that I’ve seen around me has had a strained relationship with her mother-in-law and I have often thought to myself, I don’t have it in me to put up with the things that they did. It would physically hurt me to not voice my opinions and live the way I want. What if she doesn’t like me at all? I don’t really know how to cook and to be honest I don’t really intend to learn it. It’s not for me. No matter how much I try! According to me, this quality isn't necessary to fit into the definition of a ‘perfect woman’. I’m trying my best to be the ‘ideal’ type in my own way but this thought terrifies me - will I actually survive marriage for years to come? 

Then there’s a third, really delusional side of me that very few people might relate to. I am a K-Pop fan. My morning starts with Jungkook and my night ends with scrolling through Reel edits made on him. I am almost married to him in my head and I am fully convinced that I will not find someone as kind hearted as he is. Whoever marries me has to know that he’s gonna have to share my love with BTS and I know not everyone is going to be okay with that. I am delusional enough to think that while staying in bed in my room, someone’s going to magically fall in love with me and come knocking at my door. Because of course all the guys, including Jungkook, are just waiting to fall in love with me, right? 

So taking everything into consideration, I have a whole list of questions prepared for my future partner and if someday I walk down the aisle with a really romantic song playing in the background, just know that it has taken me a lot of overthinking to finally get here. 

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