Remember the times when you were doubtful and your parents would say stuff like, ‘God wouldn’t want you to do this’ or ‘Don’t worry, God has big plans for you’? Guess what, all He wants is for you to shut up (no kidding!) and seems in no mood to be creating plans for anyone! How do we know? Well, Twitter duh.
It just so happens that we came across God’s Twitter handle (@TheTweetOfGod). Yes, you read it right; and no of course it’s not the Almighty himself –it’s a hilarious parody account! The creator tweets as if he’s impersonating God and they’re all very sarcastic. And might I say, if you’re not a fan of sarcasm, these are gonna come with a pinch of salt for you.
Here are just a few to make you count your ‘blessings’:
1. As Vir Das would put it: ‘Trump is America’s arranged marriage’.
In an ideal scenario the President of the United States and the worst human being in the world would be two different people.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) January 29, 2018
2. I think the ‘shit in general’ was referring to us humans.
This account doesn't mock God. This account IS God. I am the King of the Universe, the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, and just the shit in general.
And if you don't believe Me, you can go to hell.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 27, 2019
3. I’m definitely not saying this tweet has utmost relevance in the current situation. Nope.
You people love being poorly led, don't you.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 23, 2019
Also Read: These tweets from Mukesh Ambani’s parody account will make you laugh so hard, you’ll forget about your money troubles for a while!
4. God should have stopped after animals, honestly.
If I had to pinpoint an exact moment when it all went wrong, I’d say Creation.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 23, 2019
5. I have never seen a line summing up modern relationships more aptly.
I love you unconditionally under certain circumstances.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 18, 2019
6. Seriously though, the climate degradation rate is scary. Can we please focus on the real issues now?
If you think #GameofThrones is ending poorly, wait till you see how you finish off.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 13, 2019
7. Gentle reminder for those who seem to forget that the planet has a sun to revolve around instead of them.
I created the entire universe for the sake of one subgroup of one species on one planet in one solar system in one galaxy.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 10, 2019
8. Why do I feel like I’d say, ‘Thank You’ instead of being scared?
Retweet this or I’ll kill you.
Sorry, but you left Me with many other choices, of which this is My favorite.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 3, 2019
9. Told ya, He really does want you to shut up.
At a certain point, shut up.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 29, 2019
10. I’ve found the perfect sticker to put up on my headboard.
I don't want a personal relationship with you. And neither does Jesus. Don't talk to us.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 28, 2019
11. Now wait a second, hold on. You’re saying that it’s not society’s birth right to meddle in our lives? What?
Once you start allowing gay people to marry, what's next? Going on with your life in exactly the same way you did before? #slipperyslope
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 25, 2019
12. Hitting us right where it hurts.
There is no life after death, and often, not much life before it either.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 24, 2019
13. At this point, even humans are a threat to humanity.
Artificial intelligence isn't a threat to humanity. Natural stupidity is.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 9, 2019
14. Mandir yahi banega?
If I am not constantly told how great I am I get angry because even though I am omnipotent and omniscient I am emotionally insecure.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 5, 2019
15. Tough choices.
You should not vaccinate your children unless you are absolutely sure you want them to live.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 2, 2019
16. Me to myself at 2 am every night.
I blame everyone in general and you in particular.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 18, 2019
17. Not to be mean or anything but seriously people, high time we start accepting ourselves for what we are: a bunch of flaws.
"God! Why hast thou forsaken us?"
Because, I mean, just LOOK at you.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 7, 2019
18. And anyway, wouldn’t it be cooler to die from a meteor than a machine gun?
India and Pakistan, try not to start World War III down there, alright? I got a big meteor coming soon and I don't want you stealing My thunder.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) February 26, 2019
19. To all the people hiding under the umbrella of ‘Freedom of Speech’, here’s your answer.
You are entitled to your opinion but it's wrong and you're stupid.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) February 20, 2019
20. The present isn’t looking very bright either at the moment, is it?
It is a pointless waste of energy to worry about the past.
The future though, holy shit.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) January 24, 2019
Felt a kick in your gut? Laughed your heart out? Both at the same time? Well, sarcasm does have a way to get to people in the most creative ways possible. And if you don’t mind brutal honesty and want it without the philosophical baggage –we just served you with the best option!